june 17. 2012
as i write from the heart today, and by that i mean some of my thoughts and struggles, instead of the wonderful world outside of myself, i have conflicting feelings. i write in hopes of reaching one person out there who may be dealing with some of the same battles as myself, but am not in search of people feeling sorry for myself. dealing with a chronic issue, no matter what it may be, is a journey. it’s a journey that one has to endure on their own, because it becomes a battle from within.
as i sit here writing this, in bed for the second day, and my heart broken because i couldn’t go to church today with my family, i struggle. i struggle with the fact that i’m missing out…missing out on time and memories, missing out on fun things, playing outside and running around, and the simple things, making dinners and feeling in control of one’s day.
being in my second month of treatment for lyme, which i have to say how grateful i am to have a doctor who not only treats lyme, but has treated himself for it and it’s gone, i am struggling. i am struggling with what i know has to happen for me to get better. the pain and exhaustion on the bad days are almost too much to bear. if i have a good day, with a dose of energy, i use it up and more, and pay for it the next day. i love homeschooling my children, and will use all energy to do that everyday, but nothing is left to give after that. i love our field trips on friday, but will be wiped out the rest of the day. i know there are lessons somewhere in here that can be learned for myself and my family, but the prideful side of me doesn’t want any more lessons, just to be healed. the humble side of me has learned that we cannot control everything, but we can merely make the best decisions for ourselves with the Lord’s help, and know that he is guiding us.
one of my thoughts lately is, how does one not feel less than good enough? how do you live life when you are a bystander, watching it go by? why is life so hard? i really know the answer, but i still wonder why. i can’t imagine life without the gospel of jesus christ, and knowing the plan. it’s still hard though.
i think one of the most difficult things of having something like this, is that it isn’t seen. we see things, we understand. it’s hard to understand something we don’t see, and that we have never experienced. there’s no familiar name like cancer, which people understand what that means, which can take your life suddenly. there’s only a name, that few understand, that will take the quality of life slowly, until something will give way, and then your body is no longer able to cope or function until you die.
i know there are challenges of all kinds, and everyone has them. i only hope, to let that one person out there know, that i understand, it’s not easy, but to struggle means you’re alive, and if you’re alive, there’s purpose to your life. i hope you and i can continue with purpose, in hopes of feeling good again, and being apart of the life we have chosen for ourselves.