it’s all about your heart…

nov. 17.  2010

For some reason, I have felt inspired to jog down some of my thoughts about me, maybe so my kids will one day look back and see what was going on with me, be more forgiving I wasn’t more energetic, or to help someone out there who may be facing the same things, or simply, to help me.
I was able to finally pull myself out of bed at 10:00 this morning.  My children have gotten the routine down, or at least put it to action today.  They are ready, rooms cleaned, chores done, and I check on them to see what’s going on.  I pull my hair back(which I just got colored yesterday and am excited to fix it, but don’t have the energy to even shower today).   I wash my face and brush my teeth, stay in my pajamas, switch out loads of laundry…company comes in two days and I’m behind!  I sit down to fold the laundry, and turn on a little Mindy Gledhill.  Her songs touch my heart, and one of her songs says,….it’s not about your scars, it’s all about your heart.  time is said to heal our wounds.
I guess this hit me more this morning, as I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, exhausted beyond measure, trying to perform my motherly duties which I love, but am extremely and constantly humbled that my days and ideas usually never go as planned, due to my lack of health.  As the healing process has begun, it creates havoc, as we are getting rid of the “bad” stuff, and trying to put “good” stuff in.  
And yet, as I’m writing this, sitting on my floor in my bedroom, my three younger children pass by, laughing and chatting together, going in to do French together.  
So I know there are blessings to all of this.  Even though I can only will my body to do so much, I see my children learning hard work, responsibility, discipline, self-esteem, teamwork, and love.  I absolutely love having them home with me throughout the day, I love homeschooling them, I love teaching them, I love experiencing life with them, and I only hope and pray that I will feel whole again, energy, peace, balance within this body I have been given, and can overcome this trial the way I’m supposed to.  
A huge lesson I’ve learned, is to choose wisely what I invest my time in.  I only have so much energy to give, and I’ve learned to filter through the good, better, best…I feel I am putting what I think is best first.  That’s a tremendous blessing I know, some never learn that lesson, run ragged, not knowing what the limits are, and for me, I’ve been given those limits.   They are slowing down, and spending “time” with them.  That’s the “best” for me.  
And I want my husband to know, I can’t imagine anyone else in the world having more tolerance and patience, kindness and sympathy, love and understanding, than you.  Having a loving husband is the BIGGEST blessing I have.  Health is a tremendous trial for everyone in the family, and my husband has never complained, never said no to spending money on what we have needed to, and has always fully supported me.  I don’t know what more I could ask for…except for better health of course!

THE most stressful of situations…

september 25.  2010
Thanks to groupon, we got an awesome deal on family photos-only $45 for the sitting fee, the photo session, the cd with all the pic’s, and we can print to our hearts content anywhere we want, so overall, it was a good deal for what was valued at $600…or was it?

After getting four GIRLS up at 5:00am, along with myself and hubby, we hurriedly got ready, did hair, dresses, tights, flowers, make-up (and let’s not forget the hours of shopping, thinking, hoping things would come together), and got ourselves to Piedmont Park in the center of Atlanta for our hour photo session. 

I am a photographer myself, but not professional.  I love taking pictures and capturing moments, and I’m not excellent, but when I have to organize the group or place people or make recommendations to the photographer, my confidence in that photographer collapses.  After taking merely two shots at each pose, we found every family pic to have someone squinting, making funny faces, not a great shot, and all of it ended up being worth poop!-My focus was a good family pic after Nadia’s face last year-which was poutie.  Well, welcome to this year’s family picture!  You see what I mean!  She did end up capturing some cute shots of individuals or a couple of the girls together, but us all together, didn’t work!  
Like I’ve said before, you want something done, you’ve got to do it YOURSELF!

trials and faith…and finally answers…

october 11.  2010″

So I’m coming up on six years of having pretty rough health problems…and can one even complain?  I mean, I see Stephanie Nielsen, and her amazing mormon-ad she’s done, and everything else in our lives seems so trivial…but I still have my own trials to conquer, and they aren’t easy to me.  
The blessings, one of many being here in Atlanta, is that I’ve finally found a doctor who doesn’t just say, “I’ve treated fibromyalgia for twenty years and there’s nothing you can do, here’s another narcotic for your pain,” or “your thyroid looks fine, we just need to deal with the lyme’s disease”, or, “you have a couple of autoimmune diseases(which I really don’t), and since you have fibromyalgia, don’t eat gluten, dairy, or peanuts the rest of your life.”  
I am so very grateful, having seen my mother start out similarly, but then as things got worse for her when doctors didn’t know how to fix them 25 years ago, other things then began to be affected and started a snowball effect if you will, until it all fell apart.   
So, I’m grateful to have had a couple good doctors along the way, and that science has moved forward.  So, my new doctor, Dr. Ou, has answered many questions to my issues, which is great, since having “issues” can so easily place you in “categories” which really can be a way of saying “unexplained” or “we don’t really know!”  

So the fatigue: TSH is working, but T4 isn’t really following it’s signals and T3 isn’t converting, hence the 15 pound gain in two months after moving to Georgia, and can’t lose it when only eating around 1000 calories.  IT’S SO NICE TO HAVE SOME ANSWERS!
Liver isn’t filtering much at all, so I have an excess of testosterone and estrogen, which if that would have gone unfixed, would have easily resulted in a myriad of health problems such as breast cancer, stroke, heart attack, and even diabetes.  That’s not a great mixture at all!

Adrenals aren’t working, actually at stage 5 adrenal dysfunction out of 7, and my doc informs me everyone pretty much skips stage 6, so I was just about at the end of that category. 

My cortisol levels are a straight line throughout the day, which if you have “normal” cortisol levels, you start high and gently slope down through your day, which explains a lot, as to why I struggle getting out of bed at 9:30!

So, the greatest of all findings, is that my gut isn’t working(which if you didn’t know, is where about 80% of your immune system is), thanks to annoying little parasites that are keeping nutrients from going into my body, causing my body to think it’s malnourished, hanging on to every ounce of fat that is, so it doesn’t “starve” to death, even though thanks to my thyroid, I’ve gained weight.  
So, if you ever find a doctor like this who looks at the body as a whole, who figures out why something isn’t working well, and wants to get to the root of the issue… KEEP THAT DOCTOR!  No matter where we live, I may have to always fly to Georgia.  This doctor, let’s not jump ahead too much until I’m “fixed”, but has possibly saved me from a lot of diseases, and years of exhaustion, moodiness, fatness, and other “ess” things I’m sure.  
But beyond this doctor, is a loving Heavenly Father who has helped me, and given me patience and persistence as I’ve struggled through doctors, not giving up, and guiding me to this doctor.  Above all, it’s my Heavenly Father who has helped me, so I can be a better mother, wife, and person.   I’m grateful for these many blessings, and many more I won’t list here, but I know what they are!