beach and thought…

oct. 4.  2012

thursday, day 25 of our adventure…

there’s something about the beach, the waves, the sand in your toes, kids playing in the background, and you to your thoughts.  even though it’s a little overcast and breezy, the calmness of ocean and the beautiful view makes it very enjoyable.

on this european journey, i have hoped to focus what thoughts i would have to myself in the few quiet moments i would find on refocusing parts of me.  i have “survived” many points in my life, especially childhood.  i have learned to get things done that need to be done, and whatever hardships you have had, nobody needs to hear them, they’re there for you to understand and sympathize with others.  i have learned that finding a good friend is hard, very hard, and i have tended to just rely on myself, not reaching out much.  i have been very blessed with an absolutely amazing man in my life, my dear sweet husband.  we have amazing, wonderful children, we are very blessed.  i love my life, the life the Lord has blessed us with, and the lives we have worked hard for.  i haven’t learned however, to be happy.  i have learned bad habits from my childhood, that you just go through the day, stress about things you can’t change, and push on.  and i want things to be different.  i want to wake up happy, be happy, teach my kids to be happy, to laugh more and stress less.  i know we can’t change our childhood, but we can change our thinking patterns.  even after dealing with eight years of very difficult health challenges, i have lost feeling happy, and have been back to survival mode.  it’s been difficult.  eight years is long, and my children were bitty when it all started…so they know me in survival mode, not really “me” mode.  i hope as i keep being blessed and working at better health, i can also work at finding happiness in and with myself.  we are always our harshest critic, nevermind what everyone else has to say.

as i see different mom’s becoming bored, stagnant, or wanting more for themselves and they venture into busy things for them, i often ask if i’m to be doing more.  every woman has to find her own path.  i have always felt strongly, and still do, that i’m to be home with my sweet children.  i am to be a homeschool mommy, and that is for me.  i look around at other people’s strengths and talents, and wonder, “where are my talents or strengths?”  they are sometimes hard to find, or at least to acknowledge.  but i have felt strongly, that my strength is in what i am doing.  teaching my children, spending valuable time with them, teaching them the gospel, life and home skills, and preparing them for their time when they will be out on their own making their own decisions.  i absolutely love my time with them.  more than a paycheck, or spending lunches with girlfriends, or shopping.  i know, some people don’t understand it.  but it’s true.  these are my best little buddies.

if one ever feels lost, The Spirit is truly the greatest comforter.  i’m so grateful for The Spirit, to guide me and comfort me, especially when i feel lost or very inadequate.  we truly need to take time to think to ourselves and ponder.  you obviously don’t need to be on a beach in france to reflect on your life, but i’m just sayin’, it doesn’t hurt!

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